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Hi There ...God Bless you All. My Name Is Kathy,
I am a 50 Year old Country Gal...
Who Loves Our Lord and Saviour
Jesus Christ.
I rejoice in sharing My Testimony with others...
Hoping that it will touch someone that is searching for God,
A Love that can compare to none.
God has blest me in so many ways. He has given me strength
and courage when I had none, and love that I was searching for
all of my life. I like so many others have had a long and hard
road to discover that all answers and love you seek are found
through the walk with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

When I was a child I grew up in an Alcoholic and Verbally abusive home never feeling that I was loved by my Father, who couldn't seem to go a day without getting drunk. My father would come home every night in a rage, and it would usually last until he fell asleep. My Mother didn't drink but she was so emotionally beat down from all of the years of verbal abuse. My Mother never said anything in her defense when he would direct his rage at her. My Father would hardly ever call any of us by name... It would be four letter words rather than our given names. None of us seemed to ever be able to do anything to please him, no matter what we had done,

"Never Good Enough"

[Age 10] I started running away due to all that was happening in our home. I just had to get away, always searching for safe harbor, many times staying at my Grandmothers, She was a loving soul, and made me feel so loved and safe when I was with her. I stayed with my Grandmother many weekends, and attended Church Services with her, but the week days were most always at home unless I was on the run, staying any place I could.

[Age 12] I was raped by a neighborhood teenager, this making even more untrusting to all around me. When I told my Parents about what had happened..."My Father didn't believe me" and I had to go through all of the nasty accusations he threw at me for months. I ran away again this time hitchhiking with my Cousin " With anyone that would give us a ride." I was only 13 and she was 14 "She too had a terrible home life. Neither of us had any idea where we were going... we just went. Finally the both of us getting what we thought was far enough from home, with not a clue...no money, food & not knowing a soul. There we were several hundreds of miles away from home on the roads late at night..."God was looking out for us". We finally stopped at an old country store and were wondering where we were going to sleep, when two girls in there 20's stopped and ask us where we were from, and we both broke down and told them all we could in a short amount of time. The girls asked us if we wanted a place to sleep, and said we could stay as long as we wanted. "Not thinking of how dangerous it could have been" We immediately said "Yes" and went with them. "God watching over us" The two girls left us in an old hunting cabin and would come back once or twice a week to check on us. My cousin and I stayed there for over 4 months in that run down cabin..."No electricity, no glass in the windows, only wood shutters. We had just enough food to ration for one meal a day, which consisted of a can of soup between us, just existing one day a a time about 9 miles in the middle of no where, "In the Dead of Winter", Thank heavens for fireplaces. When we both came home needless to say we received the beating of our life. I have no idea how many times I ran away in all "To many to count".

[Age 14] I can vividly remember my Father getting physically abusive with me, I came home one night a few minutes late, He ran down the driveway to meet me and grabbed me by the back of the neck and ran my face into a pine tree..."Ran away again" So many years of abuse, that filled me with a lot of anger & self doubt.

[Age 15] My Mother and I had started attending Church together after I came back home. I was still searching to find myself and to find love and acceptance for just being me..."Imperfect". One Sunday they were playing the Invitational " Just as I am" like they did every Sunday, but this time it was like I was hearing it for the first time, I started to cry and couldn't stop..."God was calling to my Heart". As I listened to the words and looked around at all of the people there and how happy they all looked "I wanted that". That day I walked down to the front of the Church and gave my heart to God. God filled my heart full of so much love... "The Love I had been starving for all of my life". I had changed but my home life had not. I attended Church regular and my faith was growing despite of how things were at home.

[Age 16] I was having such an awful time at home even more than before, I had started dating and my Father would say the most obscene things to my dates, This was causing so much pain and embarrassment to say the least. I wanted so badly to leave and never go back.

[1979] I turned 17 and met the man that I would marry only 3 months after we met. I am still unsure to this day whether it was just to get away from the anger at home. At first all seemed good but it didn't last but about 6 months. It didn't take long for me to find out my Husband wasn't who I thought I had married, so naive thinking I could possibly know him only after a few short months! He was doing drugs and alcohol. He didn't start abusing me until after our first year of marriage, but when He started he never stopped. My faith wasn't strong enough to endure his rage day in and day out...

"I turned away from God."

[1983] I gave birth to our only child at the age of 21 "She was my world". When my Daughter was almost 9 months old she started having seizures and my beloved Grandmother now at the age of 79 was getting very ill and was witness to the onset of my Daughters condition.

[1984] My Grandmother was called home after months battling Lymphoma and stomach Cancer, I feel now that God took her home to keep her from the pain of seeing my child so ill, that she so dearly loved.

*Thank You Little Granny for your love forever embedded within my heart*

[1985] My Daughter wasn't diagnosed with Epilepsy until she was a year and a half old. My Mother and I spent the most of her first 7 years in and out of Intensive Care Units not knowing if she would live, my Daughters seizures couldn't be controlled. One night I just signed her out of Intensive Care and left with her, she had been given so much Medication to control them they had almost caused an overdose. I went home and called many I knew .."Looking for a new Doctor" I got a name and number of someone highly recommended from a friend. I took her to the hospital to meet him, praying he could help her. The Doctor drove 200 miles to see her when he had heard of her condition, The first thing out of his mouth was "Mum I will take care of your angel". Within 3 weeks her seizures were under control. "He was a Blessing from God". We still had a lot of break through seizures, but nothing to compare with before. My Husband had turned his back on our Daughter, he considered her imperfect and seemed ashamed of her when we went out.

[1987] My Father was diagnosed with terminal Lung Cancer in March, the family all had been told that he didn't have but a few months to live, knowing that I didn't have much longer with him, I spent as much time with him as I possibly could, to try to for the first time get to know him, and to let go of all that had happened throughout the years. Though it was such a brief moment in time with him, I cherish each second we had together as Father and Daughter before he was called home in June of 1987.

My Mother and I had slipped so far away from each other, it seemed that we both took out the anger within our grief, and directed it towards each other for many years, causing what I thought at the time a bond to be broken beyond repair. I felt as though I had lost my Mother and Father at the same moment. Now feeling I didn't have anyone other than My Husband to turn to the abuse increased, and soon after I found out of his infidelities. "Years Later" now his anger even being directed towards our child. I had taken all of this for almost 15 years.. but I wasn't about to let her be treated the same. The abuse had broken me throughout the years, and I couldn't stand up for myself, but I could for her.

[1994] My daughter and I left the abuse, and I never looked back. Many months after we left my Daughter asked me if we could go to Church together, I am sorry to say that we had never been together. We went to Church the following Sunday together, I sat down and felt so out of place...It had been so long since I had been. When they played the invitational "Just as I Am" I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes, and I felt as though I had a huge hole in my heart, but I just sat there until my Daughter asked me to go to the front with her, She wanted to dedicate her life that day, I walked to the front with her. When we got home I felt even more lost than before, and the emptiness seemed even greater. Late that night I dropped to my knees and begged him for comfort and to restore me whole ..To love me again, and forgive me for all I had done. The more I prayed to him I could feel the weight of my heart lesson & the emptiness subside. It was I who had stopped loving and following him,

"He never stopped loving me."

[1996] New Years Eve I met a wonderful man through my life long friend, we dated only a little over a month [4 dates] before I was admitted into the hospital in critical condition. The Doctors had started to prepare my family and new friend for the grim possibility that it was Leukemia, and had asked if they would be tested to check for a marrow match after testing on me if confirmed. Before the first night had passed I lost total vision; it was as if someone had just shut off a light switch it happened so fast. By the fourth day they scheduled a bone marrow test on me, thank the good Lord it was negative. In all I was in the hospital a week and a half, in critical condition 7 of the 10 days because of a rare form of Anemia which caused the blindness and nearly took my life. My sight was fully restored after the 7th day once my Anemia was under control. I had one constant visitor the entire time I was in the hospital "My New Best Friend." As long as I live I will never forget how my best friend stayed with me, and the night before we had the test results he cried and held me, asking me over and over again to please don't leave him now, saying; "It took me to long to find you." In April of 1996, 2 months after being released from the hospital I married a wonderful God loving man. My daughter now has the Father she needed for so long,

And I have married my "Best Friend."

My Mother and I through the years since my Fathers passing have had a long road to re-building the bond that was never as it should have been throughout my Childhood, which I carry much of the blame for because of the lack of understanding and compassion of what she had been through all of the years living with an Abusive Alcoholic, until I too wore the same shoes, only walking half the miles in them as she. My Mother is an example of the strength God can instill.

*Thank you Momma for all your Love and Sacrifice*

[1998] I felt heart led to start writing poetry again, which I hadn't done since I was a teenager. I feel as though Jesus is guiding me to write each and every word. I give all the Praise and Glory to God for all he has done in my life. Without him I would be dead as I was for so many years. I have received many blessings throughout my life, many of which were first masked in pain, but through each trial only one has been there, for all things in my life the glory belongs to God. He has seen me through all of these things mentioned above and hundreds more. God has given me strength and courage to endure, and has always, always answered my prayers..."Sometimes the Answer is No". If you ever feel that your burden is to great to bear "look around" There's always another with a heavier burden to carry. Do they seem strong? Do they have Courage to endure? Are there eyes and voice filled with Love? If yes then ask yourself

"Who is In the Drivers seat?...

Dear Heavenly Father
I shall always put you first in my life, before all others,
and give to you all that I am, and lift my heart to you constant.
Lord' guide my thoughts and deeds with your whispers of wisdom
With that ever so quiet gentle voice of yours inside of me,
That I may never loose sight of the path you've paved for me.
In your sweet and precious name "Thank you" for each day given,
The days given to me with sunshine or be it rainy days as well
Both given to me for a special reason, each have helped me grow.
All to you the Glory

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~Kathy Stilley~

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